Writer Kat Solomon is “In Search of Collateral Beauty” in her recent Ploughshares essay. Solomon describes being wheeled into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit to see her premature newborn, noting that “time has slipped away” but that “now, I am a mother.” Solomon provides a vivid description of the NICU, the “little room [with] its own symphony of beeps and blips,” the “plastic isolettes and incubators.” Her baby has arrived five weeks early. The first night, untethered to any tubes or isolation, her daughter is simply monitored, Solomon told she may be released the following day.
The next morning, though, they find the situation drastically different, their baby “sleeping in an enclosed isolette with an incubator like the kind I have seen on television, and she is connected to several wires and blinking machines.” Solomon has difficulty registering the change, and reaches out to touch her daughter: “I put my hand through the sleeve in the incubator but before my fingers reach her forehead, a nurse enters behind me. ‘Don’t touch her!’ she snaps. ‘She has a long day ahead of her.'” As medical providers we often forget that this is a foreign world to our patients and their families, a point Solomon expands on throughout her piece.
Though assured otherwise, Solomon can’t shake the thought that her baby’s feeding difficulties “must have happened because I was not there—would not have happened if I had been with her.” Solomon’s irrationality is relatable. As mothers, we often, even with evidence to the contrary, blame ourselves.
The language of the NICU strikes Solomon, a writer, as rich with metaphor. She Googles preterm infants and finds that “thirty-five weekers” are called “changelings.” Solomon sees her daughter as a changeling, noting the ephemeral quality of existence: “I’ve made a life, I think, but only now do I understand that in doing so I have also made a death.”
The young NICU doctor asks Solomon and her husband to sit and she realizes that this is an ominous request: “he has bad news, like on television.” The doctor explains that their daughter needs more tests to determine how best to treat her persistently distended abdomen. Solomon asks if it will resolve on it’s own, but the doctor replies that spontaneous resolution is no longer likely.
During Solomon’s experience in the NICU, she thinks of Lorrie Moore’s story “People Like That Are the Only People Here: Canonical Babbling in Peed Onk.” Moore’s story describes a child who suddenly becomes ill and her mother’s experience in the other “country” that is pediatric oncology. Moore’s short story is insightful and even humorous, and is one of my favorites to discuss with health professionals. The mother in Moore’s story finds a way to navigate this foreign land of pediatric oncology, but not without difficult interactions with medial providers, and the system, along the way. Solomon, too, finds much in Moore’s story relatable.
Solomon has a wrenching wait while her daughter has more tests, and eventually is called with the good news that the blockage resolved. She is, of course, relieved, but also angry, “directed completely at the doctor who told us that this outcome was no longer likely.” Can you relate to her experience? For those of us saturated in the medical world, it’s easy to forget the impact our prognosis, our words, may have, the fear they may instill.
Remaining in the NICU for observation, Solomon’s daughter has a “spell” where she stops breathing and this, the nurse informs them, means five more days in the hospital. This frightening episode ends up being the last of their “trials” in the NICU, but Solomon later reflects that, similarly to the mother in Moore’s story, there is a grief inherent in the “imagined version of the way things were supposed to go, the false sense of security that bad things only happen to other people.” I think those who suffer from severe illness, or care for those who do, often feel this kind of grief. Even when things improve, we, like Solomon, know in comparison we should feel “lucky” but can’t help but can’t help but mourn the loss of a cocooning naiveté.
Writing Prompt: What comes to your mind when you hear “changeling” or “spell?” What are some of the words we use in medicine that have other meanings, and what effect might these have on the patient or their family? If you’re not in medicine, think of words that you’ve heard in the hospital or clinic that conjured a different thought or a metaphor. Alternatively, read Lorrie Moore’s “People Like That Are the Only People Here: Canonical Babbling in Peed Onk” and consider if you agree that, even with illness, “there’s a lot of collateral beauty along the way.” Write for 10 minutes.