Rhythm

I’ve been out of step, out of commission the past few weeks. I was incredibly ill over Easter weekend, had to cancel family events and it took my body a week to recover. I also was preoccupied with taking the medical board exam this week, a once in a decade test to maintain my license. My usual pattern of writing and blogging fell out of rhythm for the first time in two years.

I’m hoping to refocus, regain some footing now that I have other distractions behind me. Writing is essential to my life, my own self-care and purpose. I’ve been thinking a lot about rhythms of life, what is nourishing and essential, how different stages can be taxing in familiar ways.

Each month this year I’ve focused on a different area of personal growth. April is dedicated to the Sabbath, that sacred space of rest. I’ve always struggled with the concept of Sabbath and today’s nonstop rush of a world feeds into my tendency of devotion to productivity, to my To Do List, to my ambitions. I’m reading Wayne Muller’s “Sabbath“, which is a call to incorporating a rhythm of rest.

This may seem contrary to what I just wrote, about needing to re-establish my focus on writing, on my rigid rhythms. But I don’t think they’re actually incongruous, this need for structure, this necessity of rest. I want to avoid being legalistic about my schedule, but I also find comfort in boundaries, in a steady rhythm. Life brings so much unexpected upheaval. I don’t think it’s disingenuous to find peace in a plan that provides structure, that carves out time for that which is nourishing, which is restful.

What are your thoughts on rest? What rhythms of life do you find helpful or limiting? I will continue to explore this idea of Sabbath, but also return to my rhythms of writing in the hope that I’ll find peace both in learning to rest and in work that brings me fulfillment.

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Free Write Friday: Study

She lays out her highlighters, gathers her papers. She attended a review course with peers months ago, took notes from the lectures, sitting three quarters of the way back where she always can be found. She’s sorted the lecture slides, distilled the notes into neat documents organized by medical topic. She prepares to study.

The test only comes every ten years. She last took it at the end of her twenties, freshly graduated, freshly married. Studying was familiar then, she had no distractions. Now a decade later, three children and mid-career obligations provide frequent interruptions.

She sits in front of the computer screen in the early evening after tucking her eldest into bed, bleary-eyed from a full day’s work. She answers multiple choice question after multiple choice question, has to quit quizzing by 9 p.m. and crawl into bed.

She over-highlights her notes, as she always has. Neon yellow streaks her notebook so much that it doesn’t draw the eye to the critical as it should. She’s always been wary of leaving something out, letting a tidbit go, afraid she’ll miss it later on. She records even the most basic fact in black and white in case it escapes her overburdened mind. The result is too much retained, significance lost in overabundance. So much kept, she can’t tell what’s important anymore.

Prone to anxiety but gifted with compulsion, she never liked taking tests but survived the most examined profession. She sits for it again in two weeks, the boards. She’ll present her photo ID and settle into a straight backed chair, be issued her tiny whiteboard and dry erase marker. She’ll stare at a computer for six hours, interpret electrocardiograms and select the most appropriate treatment plan from the multiple choices.

Just after lunch her mind will become boggy. She’ll have to push through the examination fatigue, conjure the will to concentrate on each each vital sign, each lab result. She’ll muster renewed energy close to the end, sensing it near. She’ll collapse at completion, simultaneously buoyed by elation, as if she’s run a marathon, as if she’s climbed a mountain. And she has, in a way. She’s deposited all that information, stuffed into the recesses of her thoroughly educated synapses into the Prometric receptacle. She’ll be done. At least for another ten years.

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