Upside Down


I first heard about the EPIC Group Writers at an annual writing conference held in Edmonds, Washington called Write on the Sound.  EPIC hosts classes and gatherings for writers and I’ve attended a few of their excellent weekly writer groups. I’m so pleased to announce my piece “Upside Down” won Honorable Mention in the prose category of their 2017 Writing Contest.

This essay, about my first pregnancy, subsequent c-section and early complications following my daughter’s birth, is especially meaningful to me. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my foray into regular writing coincided with me becoming a mother. There’s a clarity the chaos of motherhood brings. My time, attention, emotions are pressured; the refining aspects of motherhood bring into focus what is important. Writing as a vocation and creative outlet has emerged as a clear necessity. I’m grateful for the revealing nature of the disruption. Ultimately, that’s what “Upside Down” is about. 

Many thanks to EPIC Writers for honoring this piece and also for the support and service they provide to the local writing community.  

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Narrative Medicine Monday: How We Wrestle Is Who We Are

Writer Brian Doyle’s son is unexpectedly born with a heart defect. Doyle reflects, a decade later,  about his memory of this diagnosis and subsequent surgeries in “How We Wrestle Is Who We Are.” He describes the heartbreaking clarity of that time, “thinking that his operations would either work or not and he would either live or die.” Faced with the potentially catastrophic outcomes of the situation, Doyle also asks himself some difficult, honest, heartrending questions. Do you agree with Doyle’s assertion that “what we want to be is never what we are?”

Writing Prompt: Consider a time when a loved one or patient was gravely ill. What thoughts and questions did you wrestle with? Consider writing a letter, as if to a friend or to yourself, about your struggle. Write for 10 minutes.

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Free Write Friday: Night Out


You invite an old friend, a friend from high school, one who you’ve recently reconnected with because of the kinds of things that bring people together in middle age, when life is not as polished, but laughs are more appreciated, tears are more warranted. The venue is near your old college alma mater. Neither of you partied much at the time, and now, twenty years later, you’re even more out of touch with where you should go to enjoy a drink together before a concert.

So you meet up at an old haunt, a place college boyfriends frequented to play shuffleboard, drink beer, eat bad food late at night. You laugh together, but there’s also a weightiness to the night out, the kind that middle age mothers can’t escape. You both have children at home, professional jobs to keep, mortgages to pay, the worries of a changing world order, of elderly parents, of home maintenance and friends in distress. So it’s hard to let go, even in this place of millennials, of libations, of inebriation and escape. 

You drive to the venue up the street, a remodeled theater. You think the last time you were here it was a movie theater. You were a teenager and your boyfriend took you to see Titanic. You had a poster of Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in your room at the time. Or maybe it was Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. You were so young. The crowd here today is old, unpolished. You feel comfortable. The singer is thin and taller than you expected. She sings in melancholy tones of melancholy topics: love and loss and loneliness. You stand, sway to the beat. You like the darkness and the warmth of being so close to so many people who aren’t really aware of you; the mutual anonymity and perplexing intimacy of a crowd. The singer strums her guitar, your feet ache in a satisfying way. 

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Published: Nine Lives


I’m thrilled to announce my essay “Fired” appears in a new book, Nine Lives: A Life in Ten Minutes Anthologyforthcoming from Chop Suey Books Books in June. Valley Haggard, of Life in 10 Minutes, is the mastermind and editor behind this exciting project. I can’t wait to get my hands on this compilation! You can purchase your own copy of Nine Lives, which is made up of short essays that follow the “ages and stages of life” online on June 14 from Chop Suey Books.

My piece that appears in this book highlights a moment I shared with my grandpa “Gar” during the last days of his life. In honor of Narrative Medicine Monday and this short personal piece, today’s writing prompt will focus on hospice.

Writing Prompt: Have you spent time with someone on hospice or near the end of their life? What do you remember the most? What have you forgotten? If you’re a medical provider, how does caring for someone as a medical professional compare with caring for a loved one at the end of life? If the experience was overwhelming, try focusing on the details: a glance, a thought, a smell, an item, a phrase. Write for 10 minutes. 

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Free Write Friday: Nail

They first notice the water in the basement, standing water, clear and coating the concrete floor in the mechanical room. He feels the south wall, notes it’s damp. A faulty line, a broken pipe, somewhere in the bowels of their remodeled home. 

She wonders, how can they find it, how do they spot the breach? Their children don’t realize: it’s all behind the walls. And she, she forgets too. The wires and pipes that run vertical and parallel, between the studs, through the beams, carrying water, producing heat, enabling electricity to course through the body of the house like a current of nerves and tangle of vessels through flesh.

They do without flowing water, fill jars and growlers and water bottles from the tap before shutting the water completely off. They need to wash hands after the potty, clean the high chair after a messy lunch, ready the vegetables for dinner. They let the dirty dishes pile up in the sink, avoid flushing the toilet. She notices she uses the same plate again and again instead of getting out a new one, she reuses the damp washcloth to wipe down the counter and breakfast nook. She conserves out of necessity.

They do detective work: turn one system on, the other one off, decipher which is faulty. But it’s hard to tell. Both the hydronic heating system and domestic water run through similar pipes. He calls the plumber. It’s Sunday, of course. Two large men arrive at the house, stomp down the stairs, circle the exterior, inspect the siding, rip out the drywall. They trace the damp wall in the basement to pipes that disappear into a large beam. “That’s as far as we can go.” The PEX disappears into the bowels of the house, weaving through the walls, behind painted drywall, behind photos and artwork hung on the walls. Who knows where the fault lies?

Her husband tells her: they used to use copper, but it’s all plastic now. Copper’s too expensive. She remembers, vaguely, when they were building the house, commenting that there was no protection for the plastic pipes, no assurance they wouldn’t be punctured, sitting undefended behind a superficial barrier. Everyone reassured her. She knew nothing about construction, about this sort of thing. 

An infrared camera is borrowed, reveals the heat, the coolness behind the walls: clues to the origin of the drip, of the gushing water. “It’s gotta be here.” They get on their hands and knees, realize the unevenness of the wood floor in the entryway, the bowing of the tigerwood panels. Water damage. They never would’ve noticed had they not pulled out the shoe rack, the coat rack, traced the leak from down below to up above. They keep going, follow the path. Up on the ceiling though, where the pipes crawl down from the master bathroom, there’s no water damage, no discoloration to indicate a leak from higher up. 

He traces back down the entryway wall, confirming. “It’s gotta be here.” He rips out the drywall with his hands; it comes too easily. He pulls out the soaked insulation, traces his fingers up the exposed wall. “Ah!” He exclaims. A nail, a nail placed years ago, half a decade ago, missed the stud. Someone someday with a nail gun moving too quickly. Someone someday installing the pipes, didn’t see, didn’t look for the nail. Someone someday sealed it all up, insulation blown in, drywall enclosing like a layer of skin. The nail’s sharp point remained exposed, right beside four plastic pipes, coursing up, coursing down the wall. 

A few minutes later and he’s figured it out: the hydronic heating system, not the domestic water. They can bathe, they can wash, they can do the laundry and flush the toilet. They can turn on a tap and cool clean drinkable water will flow: a marvel, really. A marvel, too, that stray nail and an unfortunate series of events. It makes her wonder what else lies beneath the exterior, what tiny insignificance of today may resurface years later as a consequence, a surprise, an unexpected disruption.

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Narrative Medicine Monday: Found in translation?

Prolific writer, physician and narrative medicine pioneer Danielle Ofri writes about the assumptions we make and the significance of a shared common language in “Found in translation?,” an excerpt from her book Medicine in Translation.

Using interpreters for a medical interview is a skill learned in medical school and honed in residency. Medical providers are advised not to use family members as interpreters, as this could cause the patient to censor themselves or omit important details.   Sometimes though, given my monolinguilism, there isn’t much of a choice. I’ve needed many interpreters over the years, both on the phone and in person. There have been times, even with trained interpreters, that I’ve had the sinking suspicion that something significant was lost in translation. It may be because I ask a question, the patient and translator chat back and forth for a few minutes and in the end the interpreter relays a one sentence reply. Or simply because I realize, as Ofri points out in this piece, that the nuances and casual aspect of communication is lost when a third person enters the equation. Ofri notes her conversation with the patient through an interpreter was “polite and business-like. I asked the questions, he supplied the answers.”

Ofri makes certain assumptions about what language skills her Congolese patient might have or lack. The patient, in turn, also is surprised to learn that Ofri, a white American, speaks a language other than English. She notes how the dynamic of the visit changes after they discover they both speak Spanish. Suddenly, without an interpreter between them, they’re able to communicate on a more casual level. They each learn specific details about each other’s personal history; they “chatted happily.” 

Writing Prompt: Think of a time you’ve had to interact, either in medicine or travel, with another person who didn’t speak the same language. Did you feel like you were really communicating, getting to know the other person? What were your assumptions? If you’ve worked with a medical interpreter before, either in person or through the phone, how did this affect the interaction with the patient or physician? Were you worried something important was lost in translation? Write for 10 minutes. 

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Free Write Friday: Pump


She’s pumped in bathrooms, in locker rooms, in economy class on a six hour flight wedged between the narrow aisle and a couple on their honeymoon. She’s pumped on a Washington State Ferry, in the passenger (and driver’s) seat of a car, at her desk at work over a harried lunch. She’s pumped at writing conferences and medical conferences and her own weekend island retreat just to get 24 hours away. She’s pumped while consulting an orthopedist, a psychiatrist, a radiologist; she paused her pumping before calling a patient with the difficult diagnosis of breast cancer. 

She’s pumped to get colostrum while her newborn was in the Special Care Nursery, to avoid clogged ducts while at a national bioethics conference, to build up a freezer supply of breast milk for the long days she’s at work. She’s pumped while reading books, while eating soup, while watching bad cable TV in a hotel bedroom. She’s pumped through frustration, through ambivalence, through hot desperate tears of new motherhood.

She’s spent the last six years pumping, off and on. She’s pumped for her three children: willful and strong, eager and growing. She’s pumped for herself: time to work, time to write, time to be something other than Mother, an unclipping of the tether, if only for a few hours. She’s hated pumping, championed pumping; she’s become indebted to the contraption. It’s allowed her to be free, to be connected, to be a distributor of sustenance and maintain her vocational and social and creative aspirations. She gives thanks for the pump, pays homage to it, lays it to rest with gratitude and an easy goodbye.

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Narrative Medicine Monday: Falling Fifth

Anesthesiologist and poet Audrey Schafer aruges that anesthesiology is actually an incredibly intimate medical specialty. In her poem, “Falling Fifth: The Neurosurgery Patient and the Anesthesiologist,” she tells NPR’s Sara Wong that her speciality is incorrectly viewed as more “knob-and-dial oriented than people-oriented.” Her poem outlines a poignant moment between her and a patient, hugging over “wires, bandages, the spaghetti of tubes, the upright side rail” in the sterility of the OR.

I think of the specialties that seemingly don’t interact as much with patients: radiology, pathology. I can see a familiarity that goes beyond even my most personal interactions with patients as a primary care physician. Radiologists see beyond a person’s skin, through their muscles, bones and vital organs. Pathologists meet a patient on a microscopic tissue level. I like how Schafer displays the connectedness between the anesthesiologist and patient: the physician serves as a trusted guide out of and back into consciousness. 

Writing Prompt: Have you ever had anesthesia? What was your experience both going under and coming out of a conscious state? Alternatively, are you in a medical speciality or type of profession that doesn’t traditionally interact much with people? Is there a component of your daily work that’s surprisingly intimate or keeps you connected to others? Write for 10 minutes. 

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Published: Skinnamarink

After receiving a particularly disappointing rejection for a writing residency I had high hopes for, I sent out a flurry of submissions and applications a few weeks ago. In the literary world of slow responses and recurrent rejection, I’m always grateful and pleasantly surprised to get an encouraging nod: an acceptance!

I’m excited my essay “Skinnamarink” goes live on Tribe Magazine today. Tribe speaks to all things motherhood and is a vibrant community created by the unstoppable Kristin Helms. I wrote this particular essay last year while taking Kate Hopper‘s wonderful “Motherhood & Words” online writing course. More recently, I took a Creative Nonfiction online course on writing a nonfiction book proposal headed by the superb Waverly Fitzgerald. Before taking the class I had no idea how much was involved in getting a book published. I mean, no idea. It’s a process, people. I have a whole new respect for every published author and look at each book on my shelf in an entirely new light!

As I’ve delved more into the literary and publishing world, I’m understanding the need to both trust in and defend an artistic vision, as well as develop a porous enough thick skin to harness the critique and wisdom of others to hone that art to its full potential.  I intend to keep working on my current manuscript until it can find a home for publication and be worthy to be read by others. It’s important to me that it be a final product I can be proud of, whether it takes many more months, years or even decades to finish. I want it to inspire more work as I’m already developing two more book ideas. And although I’m piling up rejections as any persistent writer will (apparently I crave professions that feed into the imposter syndrome), I’ll savor the acceptances as the jewels they are. 

Many thanks to Tribe for featuring my post today!

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Free Write Friday: Train


2015

My son likes Thomas the Train but the newer episodes seem strange to me. Narrated by Alec Baldwin, his voice conjures up 30 Rock or Saturday Night Live. His raspy vocalizations seem misplaced on the Island of Sodor. Thomas is so eager to please, so concerned with being useful. We should all be so diligent with our life trajectories, laser-focused on our purpose. What satisfaction he finds with a job well done, what eagerness he displays to please Sir Topham Hatt. 

My son, too, is eager to please, but also wants what he wants in the typical preschooler way. He likes to link all this toy trains together, crowd them all on the winding wooden tracks. He wears his Thomas overalls, sleeps on his Thomas pillow, reads his Thomas books. I crouch to his low table to help assemble the puzzle-piece-like ends of the tracks, create a circuit for the trains to follow. I too like clicking the trains together, end to end, magnets locking. Each train helpfully pulling its neighbor to the desired destination. 

2009

My lids are heavy; we got up early to take the boat from Naxos back to Athens. Walking up the steep stairs from the port to catch the train, I could’ve sworn a rogue hand reached toward my backpack, fumbling for something of worth. Sealed tightly, I snatched my bag away as the arm disappeared into the swarming crowd. The end of our European tour, we’re heading back to an Athens hotel after several weeks of Swiss Alps, French museums, Italian countryside, Austrian opera, German beer. Our worn bag is full of dirty clothes and camping gear, Rick Steves travel books picked apart. 

I keep our small bag with valuables on my lap as we take precious seats on the packed train. My husband dozes next to me. Suddenly someone taps him, then, in broken English: “Is that your bag?” We both turn to see another man struggling to lug our huge green canvas pack out the open double doors. My husband jumps up, pushes his way through and out of the train, not thinking.

They both stand there on the platform, staring at each other; a stand off. Eventually my husband pushes the perpetrator back, away from the bag and heaves the heavy pack as he slides back through the train doors, just as they close. The train speeds on to the next station. I wonder what we’d have done if he’d been caught at the stop, holding our bag, standing by the thief. No cell phones, no contingency plan. We hadn’t even decided where we were staying that night. I would’ve had all the cash, both our passports. I look at our crumpled bag and all I can think of is how disappointed the thief would have been: all that’s in there is our ratty stinky travel clothes. 

2000

I like looking out the window as the world speeds by. Bright earthy fields of Kerala, the train jolts back and forth hypnotically as the greens all blur. I think it allows an introvert like me to observe so much without getting involved; I can participate in the wonder of the world without expending the energy to interact, to please others, to represent myself. 

We have a six bed cabin, fold down the upper berths for the overnight trip. My mom has sewn me a lightweight sleeping mat made from two soft bedsheets, a pillow case sewn in at the end. I unroll the mat onto the thin mattress and climb in. The train’s to and fro is soothing to the weary traveler, but the early morning hour is punctuated with the pre-dawn calls of “Chai! Chai!” throughout the train car as peddlers distribute the milky drink. 

It’s morning, just barely, and tea time is in order. The spicy sweet scent mixes with the intense body odor of too many people who haven’t showered in too long. I look out the window and take in the grey morning light. I can just make out the shadows of the passing landscape, the new Indian day as it takes form. 

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